From Faithful Soldier to Beloved Daughter

 

 

I have a great Dad. I mean seriously if you looked up “Great Dad” in the dictionary this guy’s picture would probably pop up. Patient, Strong, Loyal, Consistent, Passionate, these are all words I would use to describe him.

 

Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to disciple and help a lot of young people in the beginning stages of their walk with God. I’ve also had the opportunity to watch them struggle to come to terms with God as a “Loving Heavenly Father” because their experiences with their earthly fathers were anything but loving. I’ve also seen people who take to God as a Father figure almost immediately because they never had a father and it is a void they have always been missing.

 I guess for me it was the opposite. I had such a great dad that I didn’t really think I needed God in that way. To me God took on a different role. I looked to him more as a coach. He’d tell me the plays and send me out onto the court to execute them; all the while he looked on from the sidelines. Or better yet he was like the commander in chief and I was his faithful soldier ready to serve in whatever mission he may lay out for me. Now let me start by saying those mental pictures I had of God are not entirely wrong. God is like our coach cheering us on from the sidelines, he is our commander in chief and he does have a mission for our lives and a great purpose that he desires for us to fulfill.

 But the problem comes when that becomes our only view of who God is. Because if God is only our coach, what happens when we lose the game or don’t perform up to par?  If God is only our Commander in Chief, what happens when we make a tactical error or misinterpret directions that cause us to lose a battle? You see those perceptions of God only allow him to love us when we are doing something for him, when we are serving, when we are succeeding. My revelation of God as a Father came when I actually became a parent myself; or more specifically when I watched my husband become a dad.

It’s quite an amazing experience to watch a grown man turn into a pile of mush at the sight of a 7lb 4oz baby girl. He loved her before she was ever capable of doing anything in return. The first couple weeks after we brought Eliana Kate Sanseverino home from the hospital we didn’t even turn on the TV. We just sat and stared at her for hours. All she did was sleep and poop, but we were fascinated. It was in one of those moments when I was watching Shawn stare at our baby girl that I felt God speak to me as clear as if he was standing in the room, “That’s exactly how I look at you”

 Sure, I had imagined God looking down on me with pride in the moments of my life where I had made a wise decision, or for successfully serving in a ministry, but this was different. When Shawn looked at Eliana it wasn’t so much that he looked at her with pride, as she wasn’t really able to do anything to be proud of yet. It was love. He looked at her with the purest, most untainted form of love I had ever seen. The kind of unconditional love that seemed to whisper, “no matter what you do, no matter what you become or don’t become, I will always love you.”  Oh the freedom that comes with that kind of love! All my life I had been running around trying to do the right thing to earn God’s approval, to make Him love me when all along I had missed the point. He already did. From before I was born He knew me, He chose me, He LOVED me. Not because of what I could do for Him, not contingent on how I behaved or how strongly I served him. He just loved me, in spite of me, He loved me. And he loves you too. Whether you’re close or far from him in this moment, He loves you.

Romans 8:38 says it best:
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

I am choosing to live my life in the freedom that comes from knowing that kind of love. It’s so liberating to experience it. I have changed my mentality from that of a Faithful Soldier to a Beloved Daughter.

 

 God is love. He didn’t need us. But he wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing. ~ Rick Warren

 

 

 

New Glasses & New Perspective

It was just a normal Saturday. Shawn was off work and able to watch Eliana, which allowed me to go to my eye exam unaccompanied. I was excited to have a little time to myself. I was in a great mood as I arrived a little early and perused the displays of eyeglasses. Finally the receptionist called my name and asked me to fill out some paperwork. I took a seat in the waiting room and began to absent-mindedly fill out the forms. The first few questions were easy enough- name, address, insurance information, just the typical things you would see on a medical form. It wasn’t until I got about half way down the page that my nice Saturday morning took a turn for the worst. It was as if the question leapt out at me from the page! (I warned you I have a flair for the dramaticJ)

 What is your occupation?  This question was so simple in nature, yet in this season of my life it packed a powerful punch that knocked the wind right out of me. At first I became defensive. Why does the eye doctor need to know what I do? What does that have to do with the health of my eye sight? Then I got irritated. This is just a waste of time to fill out these stupid forms that ask personal information about things that are totally irrelevant to the task at hand!  And finally I just got down-right insecure. I know this seems ridiculous but I actually began to cry as I sat and stared at the form. The simple question, what is your occupation had now turned into a personal assault on my identity and self-worth as an individual. As I sat and cried in the eye doctor’s office I began to realize something that until this day I had somehow overlooked. I was NOT ok. You see somehow I had talked myself into believing all the cliché answers I’d been giving my friends and family for months. When asked how I was doing I would simply plaster on a fake smile and say, “Oh, we’re doing good! Just trusting in the Lord.” Or “we’re enjoying this season of rest without all the responsibility that comes from full-time ministry” I had said them so many times that somewhere along the way I began to believe it to be true, but sitting here crying in the eye doctor’s office was not the action of  a well- adjusted, emotionally stable adult. There was definitely something very wrong here!

It was that question. I had never realized it before but through the years I had picked up this bad habit of identifying myself by what I did. My security had become wrapped up in my position. My title. My job. My ministry. And now after years of climbing my way up the “ladder” to the position I had wanted for so long God had asked me to leave it behind. And not only did I have to leave it behind but I had nothing new to walk into. There was no position or title waiting on the other side of my obedience. It was just me. So to me, the form wasn’t asking “what’s your occupation?” it was asking “who are you?” and I had absolutely no idea!

 This break down at the doctor’s office started me out on a little journey to find myself. Who was I really? I could no longer hide behind my position or my title. Who did God say I was? Here are some of the things I learned.

I am God’s workmanship created in Christ to do good works. - It doesn’t take a title to do good works. You don’t have to be in full-time ministry to do ministry! In fact I believe this season gave me such a greater understanding and appreciation for those who work full-time whether in the corporate world or as stay at home mom, yet they still find the time and dedication to serve in their local churches. They still go out of their way to love their neighbors and disciple their children. It’s what we were created for! It’s who we are!

I am a friend of God.- I’m not just a servant in God’s kingdom. He desires more than a faithful little worker bee. He longs for a relationship with me. He says I’m his friend! This blows my mind- the King of the universe likes to sit and talk with me. He wants to know what I think and feel. He cares about the details of my life.  People say you can tell a lot about a person by the company that they keep. I am thankful that during this lonely season I came to know God as a friend. I’d say that’s some good company to be keeping!

I am in Christ! I am a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come!- I no longer have to be weighed down by the past or old mentalities I picked up along the way. My mind is being renewed every day and I can walk in that freedom.

 

I could go on and on about who God showed me that I am. He had been trying to show me all along but my life had been so busy I had never taken the time to listen. I had been working so hard at “what” I thought God called me to “do” I had overlooked “who” he called me to “be”.

I am by no means perfect and  there are times I find myself trying to creep back into my old way of thinking. I have good days and bad days. But I am now aware of my struggle and on those bad days I have learned to quiet my mind and listen. It’s amazing what God will whisper in your ear if you let Him. I came home from my trip to the eye doctor with more than just a new pair of glasses. God showed me a new perspective.

 

Take a listen to this song it pretty much says it all J

 

 

Life Happened

Im laughing as I look back and realize that my last blog post was exactly 2 yrs ago! I guess you could say I've been a tad bit "inconsistent" in the blog-writing department. I like to call it inconsistent because it sounds better than saying "big fat loser!" :)

 Let me just start by saying ALOT has happened in the the past 2 yrs. Life happened! For starters I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl this world has ever seen.(Just calling it like I see it folks) She gave me a run for my money in the delivery process, and my birth story is more the stuff made up of horror movies rather than fairy tales. She got here none the less, and has been the greatest blessing this mama could have ever hoped for! People can tell you all day long how much having a child will change you, but you can never truly understand until you experience it for yourself.

Change. That seems to have been my life's theme over the past 2 yrs. Not only did I become a parent but my husband and I resigned from a ministry we had been apart of for over 12 yrs and went into a season of life where we had no idea where we were gonna end up or what the next step God had for us was. We just new God had told us our time there was up and we had to be obedient. The days following this step of obedience were emotional, but I was hopeful about the next adventure God had for us. The weeks following I was apprehensive, but still had faith that God had something great in store. The months following were discouraging and filled with doubts. Had we really heard God or had we made a huge mistake. The year that followed just got down right depressing and there were a lot of moments where I seriously questioned if God had spoken at all! I have since began to refer to that 16-month period of time as our "Forced Sabbatical."

It was a time of forced rest. You see I'm the kind of person who loves to be on the go. I like to hop from one project to the next. I thrive under pressure and deadlines. My life up until this point had been one of constant motion and then all of a sudden someone pushed the pause button. Except it didnt feel like the pause button, it felt like the stop button. It felt as though my life was over, and that opportunity had permanently forgotten my address and would never knock on my door again. I'm sure all of this sounds highly dramatic to you and I will admit I've been known to have a flair for over the top antics but at the time this was how I felt! My faith was under pressure and the results were not pretty.

The things I learned about myself during this season were invaluable. The faithfulness of God I saw potrayed was unmatched. Although I am now beginning to come out of the other end of this season and stepping into a fresh start I dont want to forget the lessons I learned. It was in the silence that God spoke so loud and I want to record the things He said. I honestly dont know if i'll keep up with this blog after this but for the next few posts I would like to share some of the things I learned. Maybe it can help someone else who is walking through a wilderness experience. Or maybe it's just for me to be able to look back and encourage myself when my next "waiting" season comes around. This is something God put on my heart to do and I'm excited to share this journey with you.

James 1:2-4

 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.