From Faithful Soldier to Beloved Daughter

 

 

I have a great Dad. I mean seriously if you looked up “Great Dad” in the dictionary this guy’s picture would probably pop up. Patient, Strong, Loyal, Consistent, Passionate, these are all words I would use to describe him.

 

Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to disciple and help a lot of young people in the beginning stages of their walk with God. I’ve also had the opportunity to watch them struggle to come to terms with God as a “Loving Heavenly Father” because their experiences with their earthly fathers were anything but loving. I’ve also seen people who take to God as a Father figure almost immediately because they never had a father and it is a void they have always been missing.

 I guess for me it was the opposite. I had such a great dad that I didn’t really think I needed God in that way. To me God took on a different role. I looked to him more as a coach. He’d tell me the plays and send me out onto the court to execute them; all the while he looked on from the sidelines. Or better yet he was like the commander in chief and I was his faithful soldier ready to serve in whatever mission he may lay out for me. Now let me start by saying those mental pictures I had of God are not entirely wrong. God is like our coach cheering us on from the sidelines, he is our commander in chief and he does have a mission for our lives and a great purpose that he desires for us to fulfill.

 But the problem comes when that becomes our only view of who God is. Because if God is only our coach, what happens when we lose the game or don’t perform up to par?  If God is only our Commander in Chief, what happens when we make a tactical error or misinterpret directions that cause us to lose a battle? You see those perceptions of God only allow him to love us when we are doing something for him, when we are serving, when we are succeeding. My revelation of God as a Father came when I actually became a parent myself; or more specifically when I watched my husband become a dad.

It’s quite an amazing experience to watch a grown man turn into a pile of mush at the sight of a 7lb 4oz baby girl. He loved her before she was ever capable of doing anything in return. The first couple weeks after we brought Eliana Kate Sanseverino home from the hospital we didn’t even turn on the TV. We just sat and stared at her for hours. All she did was sleep and poop, but we were fascinated. It was in one of those moments when I was watching Shawn stare at our baby girl that I felt God speak to me as clear as if he was standing in the room, “That’s exactly how I look at you”

 Sure, I had imagined God looking down on me with pride in the moments of my life where I had made a wise decision, or for successfully serving in a ministry, but this was different. When Shawn looked at Eliana it wasn’t so much that he looked at her with pride, as she wasn’t really able to do anything to be proud of yet. It was love. He looked at her with the purest, most untainted form of love I had ever seen. The kind of unconditional love that seemed to whisper, “no matter what you do, no matter what you become or don’t become, I will always love you.”  Oh the freedom that comes with that kind of love! All my life I had been running around trying to do the right thing to earn God’s approval, to make Him love me when all along I had missed the point. He already did. From before I was born He knew me, He chose me, He LOVED me. Not because of what I could do for Him, not contingent on how I behaved or how strongly I served him. He just loved me, in spite of me, He loved me. And he loves you too. Whether you’re close or far from him in this moment, He loves you.

Romans 8:38 says it best:
“I’m absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.”

I am choosing to live my life in the freedom that comes from knowing that kind of love. It’s so liberating to experience it. I have changed my mentality from that of a Faithful Soldier to a Beloved Daughter.

 

 God is love. He didn’t need us. But he wanted us. And that is the most amazing thing. ~ Rick Warren

 

 

 

New Glasses & New Perspective

It was just a normal Saturday. Shawn was off work and able to watch Eliana, which allowed me to go to my eye exam unaccompanied. I was excited to have a little time to myself. I was in a great mood as I arrived a little early and perused the displays of eyeglasses. Finally the receptionist called my name and asked me to fill out some paperwork. I took a seat in the waiting room and began to absent-mindedly fill out the forms. The first few questions were easy enough- name, address, insurance information, just the typical things you would see on a medical form. It wasn’t until I got about half way down the page that my nice Saturday morning took a turn for the worst. It was as if the question leapt out at me from the page! (I warned you I have a flair for the dramaticJ)

 What is your occupation?  This question was so simple in nature, yet in this season of my life it packed a powerful punch that knocked the wind right out of me. At first I became defensive. Why does the eye doctor need to know what I do? What does that have to do with the health of my eye sight? Then I got irritated. This is just a waste of time to fill out these stupid forms that ask personal information about things that are totally irrelevant to the task at hand!  And finally I just got down-right insecure. I know this seems ridiculous but I actually began to cry as I sat and stared at the form. The simple question, what is your occupation had now turned into a personal assault on my identity and self-worth as an individual. As I sat and cried in the eye doctor’s office I began to realize something that until this day I had somehow overlooked. I was NOT ok. You see somehow I had talked myself into believing all the cliché answers I’d been giving my friends and family for months. When asked how I was doing I would simply plaster on a fake smile and say, “Oh, we’re doing good! Just trusting in the Lord.” Or “we’re enjoying this season of rest without all the responsibility that comes from full-time ministry” I had said them so many times that somewhere along the way I began to believe it to be true, but sitting here crying in the eye doctor’s office was not the action of  a well- adjusted, emotionally stable adult. There was definitely something very wrong here!

It was that question. I had never realized it before but through the years I had picked up this bad habit of identifying myself by what I did. My security had become wrapped up in my position. My title. My job. My ministry. And now after years of climbing my way up the “ladder” to the position I had wanted for so long God had asked me to leave it behind. And not only did I have to leave it behind but I had nothing new to walk into. There was no position or title waiting on the other side of my obedience. It was just me. So to me, the form wasn’t asking “what’s your occupation?” it was asking “who are you?” and I had absolutely no idea!

 This break down at the doctor’s office started me out on a little journey to find myself. Who was I really? I could no longer hide behind my position or my title. Who did God say I was? Here are some of the things I learned.

I am God’s workmanship created in Christ to do good works. - It doesn’t take a title to do good works. You don’t have to be in full-time ministry to do ministry! In fact I believe this season gave me such a greater understanding and appreciation for those who work full-time whether in the corporate world or as stay at home mom, yet they still find the time and dedication to serve in their local churches. They still go out of their way to love their neighbors and disciple their children. It’s what we were created for! It’s who we are!

I am a friend of God.- I’m not just a servant in God’s kingdom. He desires more than a faithful little worker bee. He longs for a relationship with me. He says I’m his friend! This blows my mind- the King of the universe likes to sit and talk with me. He wants to know what I think and feel. He cares about the details of my life.  People say you can tell a lot about a person by the company that they keep. I am thankful that during this lonely season I came to know God as a friend. I’d say that’s some good company to be keeping!

I am in Christ! I am a new creation, the old has gone and the new has come!- I no longer have to be weighed down by the past or old mentalities I picked up along the way. My mind is being renewed every day and I can walk in that freedom.

 

I could go on and on about who God showed me that I am. He had been trying to show me all along but my life had been so busy I had never taken the time to listen. I had been working so hard at “what” I thought God called me to “do” I had overlooked “who” he called me to “be”.

I am by no means perfect and  there are times I find myself trying to creep back into my old way of thinking. I have good days and bad days. But I am now aware of my struggle and on those bad days I have learned to quiet my mind and listen. It’s amazing what God will whisper in your ear if you let Him. I came home from my trip to the eye doctor with more than just a new pair of glasses. God showed me a new perspective.

 

Take a listen to this song it pretty much says it all J

 

 

Life Happened

Im laughing as I look back and realize that my last blog post was exactly 2 yrs ago! I guess you could say I've been a tad bit "inconsistent" in the blog-writing department. I like to call it inconsistent because it sounds better than saying "big fat loser!" :)

 Let me just start by saying ALOT has happened in the the past 2 yrs. Life happened! For starters I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl this world has ever seen.(Just calling it like I see it folks) She gave me a run for my money in the delivery process, and my birth story is more the stuff made up of horror movies rather than fairy tales. She got here none the less, and has been the greatest blessing this mama could have ever hoped for! People can tell you all day long how much having a child will change you, but you can never truly understand until you experience it for yourself.

Change. That seems to have been my life's theme over the past 2 yrs. Not only did I become a parent but my husband and I resigned from a ministry we had been apart of for over 12 yrs and went into a season of life where we had no idea where we were gonna end up or what the next step God had for us was. We just new God had told us our time there was up and we had to be obedient. The days following this step of obedience were emotional, but I was hopeful about the next adventure God had for us. The weeks following I was apprehensive, but still had faith that God had something great in store. The months following were discouraging and filled with doubts. Had we really heard God or had we made a huge mistake. The year that followed just got down right depressing and there were a lot of moments where I seriously questioned if God had spoken at all! I have since began to refer to that 16-month period of time as our "Forced Sabbatical."

It was a time of forced rest. You see I'm the kind of person who loves to be on the go. I like to hop from one project to the next. I thrive under pressure and deadlines. My life up until this point had been one of constant motion and then all of a sudden someone pushed the pause button. Except it didnt feel like the pause button, it felt like the stop button. It felt as though my life was over, and that opportunity had permanently forgotten my address and would never knock on my door again. I'm sure all of this sounds highly dramatic to you and I will admit I've been known to have a flair for over the top antics but at the time this was how I felt! My faith was under pressure and the results were not pretty.

The things I learned about myself during this season were invaluable. The faithfulness of God I saw potrayed was unmatched. Although I am now beginning to come out of the other end of this season and stepping into a fresh start I dont want to forget the lessons I learned. It was in the silence that God spoke so loud and I want to record the things He said. I honestly dont know if i'll keep up with this blog after this but for the next few posts I would like to share some of the things I learned. Maybe it can help someone else who is walking through a wilderness experience. Or maybe it's just for me to be able to look back and encourage myself when my next "waiting" season comes around. This is something God put on my heart to do and I'm excited to share this journey with you.

James 1:2-4

 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.

 

In Whom I Am Well Pleased

A group of my friends and i have decided to get together once a week to do a bible study . Our first one was last night and we are going thru the curriculum "Extraordinary- the life you were meant to live" by John Bevere. John Bevere is one of my favorite christian authors/speakers. He is so challenging and always backs up all of his thoughts with alot of scripture. I am very excited about the study but at the same time i am going into it knowing that it is definitely going to stretch me personally. I don't just want to read another book and go thru another study. I know that change only comes thru application. So I really want to apply the things I'm learning. Thats where it gets complicated!!! Anyways here's one of things that stood out to me from last night.

You cannot do one thing to make God LOVE you anymore or any less. Gods love for you is completely unconditional. BUT.... we are in control of how PLEASED God is with us.
Wow... what a thought provoking statement. My parents are awesome and I grew up knowing that no matter what i did or what choices I made they would always love me just the same. But i can definitely tell you there have been times in my life when they were not PLEASED with me. Although i couldn't control or change how much they loved me (that was already set in stone) I could control if they were pleased by my obedience. But not just my obedience but also by my attitude during my obedience. I know there were many times with my parents that i would obey what they told me to do but the attitude of my obedience didn't allow my parents to take full pleasure in what i had done. I really want to work on this when it comes to God. Don't misunderstand I'm not gong to run around trying to work and do things to get God to love me more but i do want to make sure that my life, my choices, my actions, and my attitude is PLEASING to Him. So this is just a little insight to what Im working on right now in my spiritual life!!!
 Now on a lighter note its been so long since I've written that i need to update everyone on the little peanut growing inside of me!  I am almost 22 weeks( just a little over half way there) and we have found out that we are indeed having a GIRL!!! Yay for shopping!!! We have decided to name her Eliana Kate Sanseverino. She is already consuming most of my daily thoughts and she's not even here yet! She is definitely beginning to make her presence known by her gentle kicks and nudges, and my ever growing baby bump! I cant wait to see her sweet face and get to know her little personality. Please be praying that everything continues to go smooth. I have had a picture perfect pregnancy so far and i know its due to all the prayers of my incredible family and friends!

Don't forget lets all make it our goal to live our lives in such a way that God would say about us " This is  my beloved servant. In whom I am well pleased!"

Im Back and Im Better...

I know its been a long absence on here but  for good cause. In the last month we have hosted our first women's conference, helped run our annual Masters Commission International Network conference, went to Pigeon Forge Tennessee to lead worship for a huge youth conference, had 2 bouts with the flu that I thought were literally gonna kill me(I'm not even being dramatic!), and the small task of being an incubator for the little peanut i have growing inside of me! So I'm gonna give myself a pass for not being very faithful to the blog!(this time) But that being said I'm Back.... And this is what I've been thinking lately.

I don't want to just be inspired, I want to inspire.
I don't want to just be loved, I want to love.
I don't want to just be encouraged, I want to encourage.
I don't want to just have life, I want to truly live!!!

I've been thinking alot about the opportunities we are each given every single day when we wake up in the morning with breath in our lungs. We have the opportunity to do something with our lives. I want to to do better. I need to do better. I can do better. Its time for me to stop taking for granted the grace of God in my life. I need to wake up and realize that the grace of God gives me the power to be better than i can on my own. The grace of God gives me the power to be better than those around me who are not operating in the power that comes from His grace. How can I ,someone who has received this  wonderful and life changing gift, set back and allow myself to not fully operate in the power he has given me! I wont do it anymore. I wont rely on my own gifts or abilities any longer. I wont be lazy and let my opportunities pass me by. I will be better!

Life As We Know It...

Well its official... I am pregnant!!! Yes you heard it here folks so if you see me in the next few months and think to yourself, "Wow that Krista sure is getting a little chubby" it is for a good cause folks! Its kind of a crazy time in the Sanseverino household as we try to prepare our minds for the arrival of a new addition. You see we've been married for almost 10 years and are very well adjusted to our "normal" routine. You know while all of our other friends who have had kids for quite some time are up at 6am on Saturday and go to chick-fil-a play land for "date night", We have been sleeping in and enjoying the luxury of never having to worry about finding a babysitter. You see we do what we want!! Ha Ha well it seems as though that will all be changing soon enough. So I have made it my goal for the next 7 months to squeeze out every moment to the last drop! I will sleep in, take spur of the moment road trips, buy unnecessary items, eat my meals while they are still hot, and selfishly not share anything that  is on my plate!!! All joking aside... I could not be more thrilled about this little person growing inside of my body. I honestly cant wait to meet him/her. I never knew you could love someone so much that you've never met but evidently its possible. I don't even care that your going to completely change Life As We Know It...

Tis the Season...

I LOVE Christmas! I love everything about it, the music, the shopping,the food, the family, the lights, did I mention the shopping? :) My friends all get a kick out of me telling some of my families Christmas traditions. Thats probably cuz were not the most traditional family! Every year from as early as I can remember my family would start the holidays off right with our annual Christmas tree fight. What is this you ask? Well every year when it would come time for putting up the tree my parents would get into a big fight because my dad would sit in his recliner( probably watching Matlock!) while my mom would wrestle with the lights. You know the kind of lights back in the day where if one bulb was out the whole strand wouldn't work and you would have to spend hours trying each bulb until you finally got the right one. Well after hours of fussing with the tree to no avail inevitably my mom would get frustrated with dear old dad who by that time was snoring away on his "thrown". And then as you can imagine the drama would ensue. This sight was a particularly funny one. You see my mom has been known to be a little bit of a spit fire. Although I rarely remember my parents fighting while I was growing up we could always count on a good one when it came to the Christmas tree. One year in the midst of the annual fight my mom gathered up all the lights, the tinsel, and the ornaments stuffed them in a box and threw them in the dumpster!!! She was just fed up! Our poor naked tree stood lonely for weeks until a few days before Christmas my friend Lisette and I took it upon ourselves to "decorate" the tree. We took utensils, cookie cutters, pencil sharpeners, toilet paper,scissors, basically anything we could find laying around and stuck it on the tree. My older and much cooler brother was out on a date that night and had no idea what the "little elves" had been up to. He brought his date in to meet my parents and what was the first thing you see when you walk into the house? Why our one of a kind, classy, christmas tree of course! He was totally humiliated! Try explaining that to your new girlfriend!  But you see thats not where the christmas tree saga ends. For the next couple years my mom refused to put up a tree if my dad wasn't going to help so we just hung some twinkle lights on one of those plastic house plants and put all the presents around it. By the time I was in high school our lack of a christmas tree was the running joke among all of my friends. One year some of my guy friends actually "borrowed" one of those big street signs that they post in parks and empty lots to keep people from dumping there dead trees. It was a big metal sign with a picture of a christmas tree with a circle and a big red line going thru it.We hung it in the living room with pride! You see i'm telling you this story because no matter how crazy this all may seem to you, to me these are some of my favorite memories. And although my family may not be the most traditional I wouldn't trade them for the world. This is the season for family and I thank God for the one he put me in. I thank him for a mom who really loves people, always put her family first, and inspires me to be  a better woman. I thank him for a dad who is wise and discerning, and that never made decisions out of emotion but always followed God's voice. I thank him for a brother who showed me a great example of serving God, who always held himself to high standards and consistently lived up to those standards. Along the way I've added a few additions to my family that i also thank God for. My sister-in -law, Amber who isn't really a sister-in-law at all. She 's just a sister. She is so creative and someone that you know you can trust. My nieces Brylea and Addie who light up every room and last but definitely not least my husband Shawn. I thank God that he knew exactly what I needed in a mate and that he sent me the only person on earth who could put up with me!!!  Well now that I've written a book I'll leave you with one last thought. In the craziest time of the year don't forget to slow down and take some time to think about the most important things in your life. God and Family.